I saw David Sedaris tonight

I saw David Sedaris tonight. He’s a humor writer who started out on NPR.

First let me say, I’ve never heard NPR, I’ve heard OF it, but never listened, it’s a radio station, right? Perhaps I’m the only person in the US who have never listened, and therefore always behind in social circles.

I’ve only read Me Talk Pretty One Day, which was hilarious! Especially the essay ‘You can’t kill the rooster’. So when I heard he’s coming to Philly I brought a ticket. Well “brought” might be too strong of a word, but that’s another story upon itself.

While standing in line to “buy” tickets I bumped into Amy Sedaris, his sister (played Jerry Blank in Strangers with Candy), and by “bump” I mean saw. I wanted to run over to her and yell “I’ve got something to say!” (Reference from Strangers with Candy), but decided to play it cool by totally ignoring her. I’m sure that’s what she would prefer.

Anyway…

In my mind, David Sedaris is this cool metropolitan guy. He lives in France, travels the world and is a wonderful writer. A person with this description, in my mind, has this deep ultra cool voice.

Fast forward.

Mr. Sedaris walks on stage at the Kimmel Center wearing a button up shirt and slacks. I could not give you more detail than that, because I was at least 10,000 feet away from the stage.

He first said “hello”.

My heart stank.

His voice was the opposite of what I envisioned. Now I’m not saying it was high pitched and girl-like, however it was just the opposite of what I wanted him to sound like. It took me 15 minutes to get over his real voice. I just sat there thinking, “is that your real voice?” I knew in any minute he would clear his throat and begin talking three octaves lower.

That never happened.

He spent the night reading different essays from his books and a couple diary/journal entries he’s made in the last 3 years. They were all funny! Luckily for me, I haven’t read the other books so everything was new and exciting.

The night went well, except I left his book in the car and wasn’t able to get it signed.

hey there fatty...

Okay, once again I changed my mind. I am a liar. It's not a big lie, like, "they have weapons of mass destruction" or "it's your baby". I lied about something very very stupid, so I can feel good about myself and no one would judge me for being a utter loser.

Okay... here it goes.

I keep telling everyone I exercise.

Yup, I've been boosting about how I use the treadmill for 20 minutes a day and feel great.

The truth is, I've used the treadmill about 5 -7 times and stopped.

I must admit, I've gained an awful lot of weight in the last two years and it's beginning to show. So to keep everyone at-ease, I tell them I exercise.

I know.... I KNOW!... It's a stupid thing to do. But hey, everyone makes me feel bad about my weight gain. So basically, everyone else should be mad at themselves, for forcing me to lie!

Exactly!

Sigh.

Who am I kidding. I should get off my arse and get on the treadmill. I only want to lose 20 little pounds.

If I cut ALL the hair off my body, how many pounds do you think that would be? 3 - 5 pounds? So there, all I have is 15 pounds to lose.

Please... Will someone put me out my misery... What is wrong with me?

yeah, i know long time... i meant to call you

I don't even know why I've neglected to write. I guess its typical Camille, always forgetting stuff. Early Alzheimer disease? No, that's just my way. I'll get really excited about something new, and then forget about it. Not because my life is so busy or exciting, just because my brain forgets about stuff. What was I saying again?

I keep looking over at my stuffed monkey. It's sitting on top of one of my computer screens and it's freaking me out. I swear it keeps looking at me, and then when I turn and look at it, it turns away. Very strange and very creepy. Stupid monkey, just trying to freak me out.

I finally cleaned up my office. I found $1.73 in change. Lucky day! I can almost afford cigarettes. Oh yeah, the breaks in my car are officially metal on metal. I'm too embarrassed to drive, because the noise is extremely loud. At first I would just keep my windows rolled up and play the music really loud, I figure if I can't hear it no one else can. But now it's outrageous.

Sigh.

My arm hurts and I need a perm for my hair.

I finally sent in my Federal Income Tax Return Friday Oct. 15 (I got two extensions). I made $2,450 last year. Can you believe that!! I'm way below the poverty line. I have no idea how I survived on that amount of money. That averages out to about $204 a month! And on top of that I had to pay $374 to the government!!! You would think they would have pity on me, since, well I'm POOR and just say keep your little money. But oh-no! They want to take every little scrap. Maybe I should sell a kidney or something. No, I'll start pan handling. I'll make photo copies of my federal income tax return and pass it out to people. They will see the amount I made and have pity on me and give me their money. Yeah! I'll get rich, and won't have to report it to the government!! What a great idea.

Oh wait, I would have to actually leave the house for that and my car doesn't work. I don't even have money to catch the bus down town to pan handle. Geez, I can't even afford to be a BUM!
Yeah, my life.

PS. Please don't ask me to go into the specifics why I am so poor, it would only depress you more. Wait, don't get the wrong idea. I'm not an invalid or something, just struggling writer/entrepreneur, who is waiting for my big break. Wait, I've already said too much. Like I said, don't ask. But this is ALL TRUE. I ONLY made $2, 450 in 2003.

Nothing... Nothing at all

Ever since I got this part-time job I realized I've lost any creative notions in my head. I use to have interesting things to say or would write more, but I feel like there's nothing there.

Maybe this is why our parents became like, well, parents. They work everyday 9-5, came home made dinner for us and went to sleep. That was their routine for their children. I use to think my parents were very boring. I could never imagine them as children or a reckless teenagers. But I guess working does that to you. It makes you loose yourself. Your identity. You are no longer a person, you are a worker with all these responsibilities.

Bunk That!!!

I'm going to quit this job in another week or so, right after I get two checks, or maybe three. I can't sacrifice my soul for money.

Right?

It's like Camille is slowly disappearing.

Grass is always greener

I have become one of those busy people. One of those people who seriously is too busy for small talk and a hour lunch.

I'm working two jobs, a full-time job and a part-time job. But the part-time job, is slowly but surly becoming a full-time job too. And I hate it.

I remember those good old days when I had absolutely nothing to do. When I could watch Oprah, search the internet for new George Michael facts, or when I could even email my friends back.

But now, I wake at 7:00am, exercise, drive to work, come home, work some more, then sleep around 11:00pm.

It's so boring and I told myself a long time ago, I did not want to become one of those boring people who lives their entire lives driving to and from work.

Argh.... I don't even have enough time to spell check or see if this post is intelligible.

Sorry... I'm not very funny today.