I got my weapons!

My family is crazy. No seriously, my family is clinically insane and I have the papers and video to prove it. Now, many people joke around by saying statements like that, but I have evidence and can recite from memory how to 302 someone.

If you aren’t familiar with 302ing someone, let me explain. 302 is the code in Philadelphia the cops use to lock someone up for being crazy. If you suspect someone is crazy or a threat to themselves, you can call the cops tell them you would like to issue a 302 and the cops will arrive and take the person to a psychiatric hospital (Bellevue). Of course, Bellevue can only hold people for 24 hours if you 302 them, but once the 24 hours is over the person can sign themselves out of the hospital.

In my family we have issued 302’s at least 14 times. Someone people have been 302 numerous times, some people once. But if you have that crazy look in your eye and start that “crazy talk” around my family, expect to spend the night at the crazy house.

I digress; let me continue with today’s story, shall we.

The latest adventure took place early this Sunday morning. My cousin Nikki* came over to my parents house with her 4 year old son yelling "I'm going to kill that muthafucker'! I'm going to kill 'em."

Of course, this did not cause alarm with the rest of us, for we are use to statements like this. So we just sat talking totally ignoring her. "Look at my face, it's swollen. And look, he cut my hand. He shouldn't have hit me in my head," Nikki continued.

This grabbed our interest, for physical altercations are interesting on all accounts, family or foe. Nikki face could have been swollen, but it's hard to say when she's screaming and pacing back and forth and there was a tiny scratch on her hand.

Nikki went on to explain the situation, but all I got from the yelling and cursing was Uncle Jay* hit her in the head. Now Uncle Jay is a extreme alcoholic, and yes, even though it's only10:30 AM, Uncle Jay is drunk. I mean, come on, it's his day off from work and he likes to start early.

My sister yells, "Look Uncle Jay is in the middle of the street!"

We all get up and look out the front window. Low and behold, Uncle Jay is in the middle of the street walking like the Hulk. He's yelling, at no one in particular (it's 10:3am on a Sunday morning and I'm sure everyone in the neighborhood is asleep or at church). Then he suddenly turns to a car and starts screaming "You want some of this! I'll kill you!"

I'm sure the car didn't do anything to Uncle Jay, it was harmlessly parked there, but for some reason Uncle Jay thought the car was mocking him.

You can just imagine how funny this all seemed to me. Crazy people are the funniest people I know. They do not feel embarrassment or shame for their actions, which makes the best drama.

Uncle Jay is now in front of our house still yelling and cursing. "I'm going to kill Nikki!"

My Dad, trying to hide his laughter and yells out of the window at Uncle Jay, "Take this mess from in front of my house. I'm not going to let you fight Nikki."

Uncle Jay responds, appearing a little calmer, "Look, I'm going to kill her. I got my weapons! I got my weapons!"

All I kept thinking was "what weapons, can I see?"

The cops arrive. Now it's really getting good. We have Nikki in the house cursing and gearing up to fight. Of course, Nikki is 5'1 around 110 lbs. Uncle Jay is a stocky muscle bound guy 5'2, probably 150lbs. If I had to place a bet, my money would be on Uncle Jay all the way.

The cops manage to calm Uncle Jay down. Bare in mind, the cops know Uncle Jay by name, for his drunken yelling scenes is notorious in my neighborhood.

All of the sudden, Uncle Jay jumps on his bike and rides away into the sun set.

Nikki is now starring into our wall mirror checking out her "bruises" and yells "Next time I see the muthafucker, he's going to die!"

Her 4 year old son turns to me and says calmly, “Mommy is upset.”

I had no idea what to say to this kid, the only thoughts that were going through my head was, "damn, where is my video camera, this would be great for my HBO documentary."

* Names were changed to protect the deranged.
** I could never make this stuff up.